Charlie Custer

What I Wish People Knew About Bisexuality

Today is Celebrate Bisexuality Day, also known as Bi Visibility Day. The latter name comes with what might seem like an odd implication: that bisexual people are invisible for the other 364 days of the year. 

Sadly, this is somewhat true. And not in a cool we-have-superpowers sort of way. More American adults identify as bisexual than identify as gay/lesbian or trans, but bisexuals and bisexuality don’t get discussed much.

Consequently, most people don’t know much about it. I certainly didn’t, at least until I began to realize the term applied to me. 

I’ve learned a lot in the time since then. Today seems like as good a time as any to share some of that knowledge. 

What even is bisexuality?

While there are various definitions, here’s a definition of bisexuality written by bi activist Robyn Ochs. Most bisexuals define the term along similar lines:

“I call myself bisexual because I acknowledge that I have in myself the potential to be attracted – romantically and/or sexually – to people of more than one gender, not necessarily at the same time, not necessarily in the same way, and not necessarily to the same degree.

For me, the bi in bisexual refers to the potential for attraction to people with genders similar to and different from my own.”

So, yes, the term bisexual doesn’t mean what you might assume: it doesn’t mean bi folks are necessarily only attracted to men and women. And it certainly doesn’t mean anything trans-exclusionary! A bisexual person is someone who can feel attraction to two or more different genders.

That’s a broad enough definition that it encompasses a lot of variation. It’s often said that there are as many ways to be bisexual as there are bisexuals. We don’t all share the same attraction patterns, preferences, habits, or desires. What we share is just the ability to be attracted to people of more than just one gender. 

In part because of this variety, more specific labels such as pansexual and omnisexual were created to represent specific groups that fall under the “bi umbrella.” “Bi+”, “Multisexual”, the “multisexual spectrum” and “m-spec” are other terms that are sometimes used to describe the spectrum of folks who fall under this “bi umbrella.”

Part of the reason for this proliferation of terms is that, as I’ve alluded to above, the bi in bisexual sometimes gives people the wrong impression. 

This article probably isn’t the best place to do a deep dive on the word’s history, but the short version is that it has evolved quite a bit and changed meanings several times. But the best way to understand the meaning of the bi now is that it refers to the following two things:

  1. Attraction to one’s own gender
  2. Attraction to other genders

Note that we’re talking about definitions here. Particularly within the multisexual spectrum, how people identify is also a matter of choice since, for example, someone who is attracted to all genders without preferences fits the definition for both bisexual and pansexual. Someone who fits the definition of bisexuality may not choose to identify as bisexual, and that’s OK.

Note, also, that bisexuality is defined by who we’re attracted to, not by our sexual behavior. Just as a virgin can still know that they’re straight or gay, a person can know that they’re bisexual even if they haven’t had sex with people of more than one gender. Similarly, a person is not necessarily bisexual even if they’ve had sex with people of more than one gender.

Bisexuality is real.

In 2013, a survey found that 15% of Americans don’t believe bisexuality is real. A 2015 study similarly found that 28% of heterosexuals and 20% of homosexuals don’t believe in bisexuality (and an additional 12% of heterosexuals and 7% of homosexuals said they “didn’t know” where bisexuality was real). That’s a whopping 40% of straight people and nearly 30% of gay people who either actively don’t believe bisexuals exist, or “don’t know” whether we’re real!

And the reality is actually even worse than that makes it sound. Many people who say they believe in bisexuality, but when confronted with an actual bisexual person, they still tend to find an excuse to file that specific person under either “gay” or “straight.”

Consequently, one of the defining experiences of actually being bisexual is being told repeatedly that you’re not. 

This experience varies from person to person and from interaction to interaction, but all bisexuals have experienced it. The most common stereotypes are that bisexual men are actually gay men in denial, and bisexual women are actually straight women who want attention.  Many people also assume that bisexuals are confused, “in a phase”, or simply lying.

This phenomenon is called bi erasure – the “tendency to ignore, remove, falsify, or re-explain evidence of bisexuality.”

So, to be clear: bisexuality exists. If you’re interested in the science behind this, you can Google it (there’s plenty). But frankly, the word of bisexuals should be all you really need. 

Bisexuals are always bisexual.

Again, this might seem obvious. But in practice, many people don’t believe it. A bisexual man who is dating another man will be seen as gay. A bisexual woman who is married to a man will be seen as straight.

In actuality, bisexuals are always bisexual. Our attraction to other genders does not cease to exist when we enter a relationship with a person of a particular gender. 

Hair color is an analogy that sometimes helps people understand this. Imagine you find both blondes and brunettes attractive, and recently started dating a blonde. Does this mean you no longer find brunettes attractive? 

No. Nor does it mean you have “picked a side.” When you choose to date someone, you are choosing a person, not a hair color. 

The same is true for bisexuals. Whether we choose to date someone of our own gender or another gender, we are choosing the person, not their gender. 

Bi people aren’t cheaters.

To continue with the hair color analogy, imagine you’re married to a blonde but still attracted to brunettes. Does that mean you need to have sex with brunettes to feel fulfilled? That you’re inevitably going to cheat on your blonde wife?

Of course not. The same logic applies to bisexuals. 

Despite this, “bisexuals are cheaters” is a common stereotype. Some bi folks do cheat, of course, but so do some straight and gay folks.

One reason for this stereotype, I suspect, is that when a bisexual person cheats with someone of a different gender than the partner they cheated on, it often gets blamed on their sexuality. In contrast, when a straight person (for example) cheats, it gets blamed on their character.

There are other, deeper reasons. For example, during the AIDS crisis in the 1980s, bisexual men were blamed for bringing AIDS into the straight community. This was mostly a myth; straight people who contracted HIV were more likely to have gotten it from needles or blood transfusions than from a bisexual partner. But bisexuals – men in particular – were demonized in the media as dangerous cheaters, a perception that was then carried into 1990s film depictions of bisexuals as depraved, slutty, fuck-anything-that-moves villains. 

Anyway, the reality is that bisexuality doesn’t have any real connection to cheating. Many – probably most – bisexuals are happily monogamous. You just don’t hear about that because…

Bisexuals are often invisible. 

Bisexuals may be the largest single demographic within LGBTQ+, but we are still largely invisible in society and in the media. 

Bi erasure is one of the reasons for that. Even where bisexuals do exist, people often see them as gay or straight. I, for example, am openly bi. But I’m also married to a woman. To many people, that makes me straight. To many others, the fact that I’m attracted to men at all means that I must be gay and in denial. Neither group actually sees me as bisexual. 

Another reason is that we are literally less visible. Bisexuals are far less likely to be “out” than gay men or lesbians. School curriculums, if they cover sexuality at all, tend to focus on straight and gay. There are few bisexual organizations, and none with any significant national or global profile. We – particularly bisexual men – are rarely depicted in popular media. 

To cite a personal example, I was born in the mid-80s, so I grew up at a time when homophobia was broadly accepted. Even then, though, there were people in my circles that were openly gay. I knew of schools that had gay-straight alliances, although mine did not. I had seen films with gay characters. But I did not know anyone who identified as bisexual, I did not know of any bi organizations, and I don’t recall ever seeing a film or show with an openly bisexual character.

This is an issue that bisexuals ourselves can address by being more out and open (hence this article, and the idea of Bi Visibility Day in general). But it’s also a problem that’s perpetuated by society via bi erasure. Even when we are loud and proud about being bi, the message we get from many people (both straight and gay) is that we’re not really bi.

Bi people face different (but significant) challenges.

While there are many common elements of the bisexual experience, different bi folks do get treated differently. 

As a bi man, I’m best-equipped to talk about that side of things, and I don’t want to speak for anyone else. To truly understand the experience of bi women, nonbinary bi folks, and others, books such as this or this that collect the stories from a wide variety of bisexual people will be helpful.

But to summarize my own understanding: society tends to fetishize bisexual women and  demonize bisexual men. Bi women who are open about their sexuality get hounded by “unicorn hunters” who want them to join a threesome. Bi men who are open about their sexuality struggle to date women at all (63% of women say they won’t date a bi man). Nonbinary bi folks can experience both forms of mistreatment, along with all of the discrimination they’re subjected to because of their gender.

It’s worth noting that bi people of all genders can also face discrimination from the gay community. The reasons for this can be complex and personal, but this reality is the source of a common refrain in bisexual circles: we are “too straight for the gays, and too gay for the straights.”

These issues have real health consequences. 

In part because of many of the issues already mentioned, bisexuals face significant disparities, particularly in the realm of mental health. This PDF is a good summary, but here are a few lowlights:

  • Bisexual adults are twice as likely as heterosexual adults to be depressed.
  • Bisexual adults are more likely to engage in self-harm than heterosexuals, lesbians or gay men.
  • Bisexual adults are more likely to think about or attempt suicide than heterosexuals, lesbians or gay men.
  • Bisexual youth are less likely than lesbian and gay youth to report having supportive adults that they can turn to. 

More representation, more acceptance, and more bi-inclusive communities and spaces could probably help with at least some of these things. Fighting against racism and transphobia can help too, as a large proportion of LGBTQ people of color identify as bisexual, and roughly half of trans people identify as bi or queer. 

It can take a while to realize you’re bi.

Here, we must veer into the realm of purely anecdotal (and, if I’m honest, the self-serving). I think to a greater extent than being gay or straight, being bisexual is something that can take a while to figure out. (I’m not aware of any studies on this subject, although I hope someone will do one.)


Personally, I didn’t realize I was bi until I was already in my 30s and married. This realization led to a lot of shame and confusion, because the perception I had gotten from the media I consumed growing up was that anyone who isn’t straight knows it when they’re young. So, what the hell was wrong with me that it took me so long?

As I sought out the stories of other bisexual people, I came to realize that the number of bi folks who don’t realize or fully come to terms with their bisexuality until adulthood is pretty significant. Realizing in one’s 20s or 30s does not seem to be uncommon. I have also seen examples of people realizing in their 40s, 50s, and even beyond.

(Note: this kind of “late bloomer” isn’t unheard-of in the gay community either. Anecdotally, it seems to me that it’s more common among bisexuals, but again, I’d love to see some actual scholarship on this). 

The reasons for it can take longer to discover and come to terms with bisexuality are varied, personal, and tied up in many of the issues we’ve already discussed. Some people seem to subconsciously repress their same-sex attraction until something shocks them out of it. Others say that their sexuality actually changed over time. Sexuality can be fluid, and I’ve heard bi late bloomers explain their “late” realization both ways. 

As examples of openly bisexual folks in society and representations in media increase, I expect the number of bi “late bloomers” may decrease. Having examples that you can see yourself in really does matter, and I suspect that’ll make it easier for younger generations to find themselves sooner than late bloomers like I did. 

Thank you.

If you’ve actually read this far, you are now far less ignorant about bisexuality than I was when I started this journey. Please help spread what you’ve learned here, but also keep in mind that this is just one person’s perspective. There is no one monolithic “bisexual experience,” and I encourage everyone – including myself – to seek out a wide variety of bi+ voices to learn more. Some good places to start: